Clear Mental Clutter & Stop Following Others Expectations

I wrote Clear Mental Clutter & Stop Following Others Expectations because giving up your voice is one of the heaviest forms of mental clutter there is. The weight of living according to other people’s expectations is like carrying around a heavy backpack weighted down with someone else’s dreams. Why would you do this?

Finding your authentic place in this world—the one that suits YOU, not what others say should suit you—is essential to mental clarity. Let me show you why this matters and how to find your way there.

The High Cost of Living in the Wrong Place

When I say “place,” I’m not just talking about physical location (though that matters too). I’m talking about your overall way of being in the world—your career, your lifestyle, your creative expression, your daily rhythms, your environment. All of it.

Living in the wrong place creates constant, grinding internal conflict. Part of you knows you don’t belong where you are, while another part keeps trying to force the fit. This conflict generates enormous mental clutter—doubt, resentment, anxiety, and what-ifs that never stop circulating in your mind.

The mental clutter created by living in the wrong place isn’t just distracting—it’s actively harmful. It prevents you from seeing possibilities, making clear decisions, and accessing your genuine gifts.

Who Decides What “Should” Suit You?

From the moment we’re born, we’re bombarded with messages about who we should be and how we should live:

• Family legacies and expectations (“Everyone in our family becomes a doctor”)
• Our culture & society (“Successful people live in these neighborhoods”)
• Gender-based assumptions (“Women should want to have children”)
• Class-based limitations (“People like us don’t do things like that”)
• Media blasting what “good lives” look like

These messages aren’t inherently bad, but they create powerful ‘shoulds’ that can drown out your own dreams. Don’t give away your power – and your dreams!

The most insidious crazy part about this? We internalize these external voices until they drown out our own dreams. The “you should” becomes “I should” without our even noticing the shift.

This is why finding your authentic place requires first getting quiet enough to hear your own voice beneath all the noise.

Get rid of the ‘Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda in your life.

Uncovering What Truly Suits You

Finding your authentic place isn’t about dramatic revelations or burning everything down to start over (though sometimes that happens). It’s usually a gradual process of listening, experimenting, and noticing what brings you genuine alignment versus what creates internal friction.

Start With Your Body Wisdom

Your body often knows what suits you before your mind does. Stop trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Just stop. Your body will resist with clenched teeth, raised shoulders and headaches. This is tension, fatigue, and resistance.

My tell is my shoulders become raised when stress sets in. I constantly lower my shoulders throughout the day.

Notice your physical responses to different environments, activities, and people. Does your breathing deepen or become shallow? Do your shoulders relax or tense? Does your energy increase or drain away?

Your body doesn’t lie to you. Start trusting its signals about where you do and don’t belong.

Question the “Shouldas”

Every time you hear yourself say “I should,” pause and ask:

• Where did this “should” come from?
• Is this truly my value, or someone elses?
• What would I choose if there were no “shoulds” at all?

The “shoulds” create so much mental noise that they can completely drown out your authentic desires. Questioning them creates the silence needed to hear your own voice.

Conduct Small Experiments

You don’t need to make dramatic life changes to start finding your place. Begin with small experiments that help you test what actually suits you. Take a different route home. Try a different grocery store. Change your evening habits.

A fun simple thing to do is to brush your teeth with your non dominant hand. Try writing your signature with this hand too!

If this hadn’t been drilled into my head by my supportive community about 40 years ago I would likely never have climbed out of my dark hole. A good place to start is to learn your inner truths and stop making excuses why you should not. This is why I made the Excuse Cheat Sheet and wrote another article about making excuses!

Take a short vacation in a different environment. Try a new hobby. Volunteer in a field that interests you. These experiments give you real data about what suits you, beyond abstract speculation or others’ opinions.

Forget what other people tell you you ‘should’ and shouldn’t do unless it excites you.

Notice Where You Lose Track of Time

I know I am in the right place when I get ‘lost in the zone’. These are the moments when you’re so absorbed in what you’re doing that time seems to disappear—are powerful indicators of alignment between who you are and what you’re doing.

Pay attention to when you experience flow. What activities absorb you completely? What environments make hours feel like minutes? Who are you with when you forget to check your phone or eat?

These flow zone experiences aren’t random—they’re signposts pointing toward your authentic place in the world.

The Permission to Choose Your Own Place

Many of us get stuck because we’re waiting for permission to choose what suits us. We want validation that it’s okay to want something different from what others expect of us. We need ‘atta boys!’, though only from ourselves.

Here’s your permission slip… You get one life. The life we are living is not a dress rehearsal. We get one shot at this! And it’s yours, not anyone else’s. You have not only the right but the responsibility to live it in a way that suits who you truly are.

I spent years as an artist wondering if I was allowed to define success differently than others in my field. Was it okay that I valued creative freedom over mainstream recognition? That I preferred a simple life that gave me time to create over a 401K that would limit my artistic choices?

The noise in my head quieted when I made my own rules. It took me far too long to realize that I didn’t need anyone’s permission to define my own place.

Your authentic place might look conventional or wildly unusual. It might align with your upbringing or be the polar opposite. What matters isn’t how it appears to others, but how it feels to you.

When Finding Your Place Meets Resistance

When you start moving toward what truly suits you rather than what others say should suit you, expect resistance from everyone. it may start as a gentle teasing- shut it down.

People who are invested in your old place may push back. They might question your judgment, express concern, or even try to make you feel guilty. This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about you. Often, your change activates their own unexamined choices, which can be uncomfortable for them.

When I stopped drinking a lifetime ago I noticed the “crab bucket effect”—when one crab tries to climb out of a bucket, the others pull it back down. Not out of malice, but often from other’s discomfort with themselves.

Your own resistance can be even stronger. Your own doubt, fear, and internalized “shoulds” may get louder as you move toward authenticity. This is normal. Your self doubt often intensifies right before a breakthrough.

My Own Journey to Finding My Place

I went from living in a tent with a head full of others’ expectations to creating art in a beautiful home with my pups at my feet. Not because I’m special, but because I gradually learned to identify and trust what truly suited me and makes me peaceful.

It never occurred to me how rare it was and is for a female artist to make a self-supporting business making and selling art for 30 years. I just knew I was willing to live with less to do what I wanted to do, which is make art.

That choice suited ME, even if it puzzled others who couldn’t understand why I’d choose to be a ‘starving artist’ over a more conventional career path.

The same was true in my recovery journey. There were parts of the 12-step program that did not align with my beliefs, and I took flack from some of my peers in the recovery world. But I had to find the recovery path that suited ME, not what someone else prescribed.

Thirty-eight years of continuous freedom from addictions later, I know that choice was right, even though it wasn’t always popular.

Starting Where You Are: Finding Your Own Place

You don’t need to have everything figured out to begin moving toward what truly suits you. Just start where you are, with these simple practices:

1. The Envy Inventory

Find someone who has what you want and emulate tha person. Make a list of people whose lives or choices you envy. Be specific about what aspects create that feeling.

Envy, while uncomfortable, is information—it often points to what you truly want but haven’t let yourself acknowledge or pursue.

2. The Energy Audit

For one week, track your energy levels throughout each day. Note what activities, environments, and people energize you versus those that drain you. Look for patterns.

I know what time frame during the day I am more creative, I know when my brain is more alert, and I know when the window to think through an issue has passed for that day.

3. The “If Nobody Knew” Exercise

Ask yourself: “If nobody would ever know my choice—if I didn’t have to explain, justify, or even reveal it to anyone—what would I choose?”

Another great question to ask yourself is “If I wasn’t afraid, what would I do today?”

These questions help bypass social pressure and create a direct line to what you really want.

4. Create a Personal Board of Directors

Surround yourself with people who support you in finding YOUR place, not forcing yourself into someone else’s idea of where you belong. These should be people who ask, “What do YOU want?” rather than telling you what you should want.

These people should be great listeners.

The Mental Clarity That Comes With Finding Your Place

When you live in alignment with what truly suits you—not what others say should suit you—the mental clutter begins to clear. The constant arguments with yourself quiet down. The energy you were using to force yourself into a place that does not suit you becomes available for creativity, connection, and joy.

This clarity doesn’t come from having a perfect life or making flawless choices. It comes from the integrity of living in accordance with your authentic nature rather than fighting against it.

I practice what I preach every minute of every day to the best of my ability on that day. Some days are better than others because I am a flawed human. I am comfortable with this – especially as a recovering perfectionist!

Using these tools is exactly how I went from mental chaos to clarity, from trying to please others to honoring my own path. The decluttering that began in my mind eventually extended to every aspect of my life, creating space for what truly mattered to me.

Start Where You Are

Just start where you are. Question one “should” that’s been driving your choices. Notice one place where you feel most at home. Take one small step toward what energizes rather than depletes you.

Finding your place—the one that truly suits YOU—is the ultimate form of mental decluttering. And like all decluttering, it begins with a single choice to value authenticity over accumulation, truth over appearance, and your own knowing over others’ ‘shoulds’.

You can read more about how in the Clutter And Your Brain | The Mental Health Connection article I wrote.